Speaking Up
navigating a fraught territory
Sometimes it seems as if all our work and effort are for naught, as if we’re just running in place. Take the long view. Attend to, but don’t get consumed by, the details.
Self expression, no matter how we do it, “forms the quality of the light within.” (Audre Lorde)
I grew up surrounded by strong women—grandmothers, aunts, my mother. I was generally encouraged to speak up, my talents were praised, I was a favorite grandchild and niece. But I didn’t realize they were powerful suns only within a solar system of family and a small community beyond family. And I was a tiny orbiting star basking in their light. Once outside family systems, especially in middle and high school, I crashed into boundaries.
I embraced 70’s feminism to challenge limits on behaviors and speech but still, there were and are many personal and professional instances, where I was neither praised nor rewarded for speaking up.
I myself have never been able to find out precisely what feminism is: I only know that people call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat.
~Rebecca West, British journalist, novelist, and critic; known for her reports on the Nürnberg trials of Nazi war criminals.
During my public health career, particularly in two positions, and throughout an abusive marriage, I was punished time and again for expressing an opinion, or for having ideas and insights that bothered people—sometimes women but usually men.
In one position, I was pink slipped after not signing a petition in support of a public figure, in another, I was the target of sexual harassment from a director. The behavior stopped briefly when reported, but it soon escalated into bullying and retaliation (a typical response from the abuser especially when shielded by HR). My second report of bullying and retaliation triggered an HR investigation. The decision? My complaints were “unfounded” despite documentation and the support of colleagues who stepped forward as witnesses. Leadership in HR and the C-suite—all women—made a public show of throwing their full support behind the perpetrator, a man.
More than any other time in my life I felt keenly the loss of income, colleagues and work that I was not only good at but loved deeply. For a while I lost my way and my voice. If career derailment and financial setback was the result of speaking up (and evidence was strong in the ‘yes’ column) was I willing to keep doing it?
Injustice infuriates me and I can’t seem to shut up, so yes, I’m still talking. Retaliation and loss weren’t always the result of speaking up, and they were never the only result of such situations.
But through my persistence I learned a few things.
I learned that though I did not get a work environment, or marriage for that matter, free from harassment, bullying and retaliation, speaking up ultimately empowered me, and “speaking” takes a variety of forms: documenting/reporting the experience, sorting feelings, reactions and options with a coach, and in this instance, hiring a lawyer. I also found solace in creative work, including writing poetry.
For women, then, poetry is not a luxury. It is a vital necessity of our existence. It forms the quality of the light within which we predicate our hopes and dreams toward survival and change, first made into language, then into idea, then into more tangible action.
~Audre Lorde, American writer, professor, philosopher, intersectional feminist, poet and civil rights activist.
Empowerment was not linear or immediate, but amid the chaos I maintained a tenuous hold on self-compassion with the help of a meditation practice. I leaned heavily on friends, family, coaching, and eventually therapy. All of it helped me hold myself with care and kindness even when things got dark. The year I left that job was a year of reckoning with a number of life issues. I had never experienced that level of emotional pain and the physical pain that resulted from it. I was dogged by intrusive thoughts of self-harm.
But I’m still here.
In all situations we are humans doing our best. Even the people who hurt us are humans doing the best they can with what they have. But acceptance or forgiveness is not the first step, unless it’s self-acceptance and self-forgiveness.
The reality of a toxic environment is challenging often overwhelming. Persist in self care, in getting support from a loving network that supports your physical, emotional and spiritual wellbeing. Prioritize joy.
A few basics:
Above all, know a toxic situation sucks the life out of you emotionally, physically and spiritually no matter how smart or resilient you are. Prioritize your safety and mental health.
Never berate or blame yourself for being in a toxic environment. You did not create it. It’s rarely apparent until you’re in it.
Believe what you feel and experience. Anticipate being gaslit.
Learn effective verbal and physical responses to bad behavior that can help set clear boundaries. But understand the consequences and always assess the situation for safety. Whether you choose to use them or not, just knowing there are ways to respond to bullying and abuse can help you envision possibilities.
Don’t gossip. It’s tempting to talk about the perpetrator as a way to release tension, but if you aren’t strategizing about the situation it’s rarely worth talking to colleagues who may or may not empathize. I talked too much to too many colleagues. Initially it felt good because they had similar issues but they’d been talking about this person and doing nothing for years. It’s my one regret. Do what you can to deal with the perpetrator and always focus on taking care of yourself.
Anticipate the emotional fallout after leaving. Getting out is the beginning of another chapter. Anticipate a loss of confidence. Anticipate the fear of finding yourself in the same situation when applying for another job. Coaching can help in this transition.
Workplaces must be free of harassment, bullying and retaliation. People in power must be held accountable for their actions. But we can’t wait for institutional and organizational change. Look at your situation. Get help to figure out what is necessary for you now.
The priority is your physical and mental health. Keep your attention there.
The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don't have any.
Alice Walker, American author and activist.
I write essays and profiles, articles and poetry. Contact me for projects and collaborations. I'm a personal development and leadership coach. My niche: helping women 40+ navigate toxic work situations, past or present, and transition confidently into their next phase. If you want to bring your "whole self" to work and life, that's my sweet spot: helping you bring your creative self--your soul or essential self--forward so you operate from that perspective. It's a place of growth and understanding. Let's go there together! Schedule a free exploratory session, message me on LinkedIn or here on Substack.