If I cannot help but cause harm-

may I cause the least harm possible

This essay was originally published February 21, 2024, in response to the catastrophe of Israel/Palestine. I re-wrote it dozens of times until I realized the only violence I could write about with any certainty was my own.

I’m editing it, recording a voice over and republishing a new version because the country we live in seems to be rapidly sinking into violence and cruelty. And while I will protest however I can, I’m looking at the violence in my own heart because it guides how I relate to the growing violence around me.

I have violent thoughts almost every day about political leaders and fellow citizens with different views. When I hear myself speaking irritably and abruptly, or find myself cursing, especially in traffic, a quick scan of my thoughts almost invariably reveals lingering rage from a recent news report or distress about future outcomes.

Violence is nurtured within. How well we know ourselves matters.

Photo by Kato Blackmore 🇺🇦 on Unsplash

May I be loving, open and aware in this moment. 
If I cannot be loving, open and aware in this moment, may I be kind. 
If I cannot be kind, may I be non-judgmental. 
If I cannot be nonjudgmental, may I not cause harm. 
And if I cannot help but cause harm, may I cause the least harm possible. 
~Larry Yang, meditation teacher, author of Awakening Together

Larry Yang’s prayer speaks to the moral complexity of being human, and how difficult it is to wake up to the causes of suffering. He recognizes we may or may not understand the truth of suffering in our lifetime, but offers a glimpse of redemption:

If I cannot help but cause harm, may I cause the least harm possible. 

There isn’t a them. There aren’t other people over there doing bad things. They could be me. They are me. There is only us.

Wars, deportations, detention centers, lack of due process, blatant corruption—the violence is heartbreaking and mind-numbing.

But not inevitable.

Human communities are only as healthy as our conceptions of human nature. It has long been assumed that selfishness, greed, and competitiveness lie at the core of human behavior, the products of our evolution. It takes little imagination to see how these assumptions have guided most realms of human affairs…

But clearly, recent scientific findings forcefully challenge this view of human nature. …compassion is deeply rooted in our brains, our bodies, and in the most basic ways we communicate. …simply realizing this is not enough; we must also make room for our compassionate impulses to flourish. [emphasis mine]

~Dacher Keltner, The Compassionate Instinct

For most of us, the tools of violence are words not guns or fists. We all remember the harsh words we heard as children. Words we eventually believed, like lazy, stupid, ugly. Words we internalized as us. How much therapy and medication is spent healing wounds created with words? People who never raised a hand to hit us pierced our hearts with sharp, unkind words. 

The roots of war are in the way we live our daily lives.

~Thich Nhat Hanh, meditation teacher and author

There are many moments in a day to pause, to avoid the every day violence of cursing the person who cut us off in traffic, or speaking abruptly to a cashier or harried barista. When we drop the story we see the facts: someone cut us off in traffic (we have no idea why), the cashier is new and learning the system, the barista has five orders plus yours to fill and the cafe is short staffed.

It’s not personal until we make it so with a story.

Shooting, bombing, stabbing, punching, raping are terrible physical acts, different than thoughts and words but by how much? How much hate speech, both written and verbal, happens before physical violence follows? We see this process play out at all levels: global, national, regional, municipal, neighborhood, and home.

Demeaning language paved the way to physical violence in my thirteen year marriage, though I believe the verbal abuse was more long-lasting and affected me more deeply. The physical violence was random. The verbal derision was persistent.

After the divorce that violence lived within me as active hate for many years. I had a meditation practice but it wasn’t enough. True healing began when I finally faced my beliefs, thoughts and feelings in therapy. I saw how hate bound me to the trauma.

I’m not denying how trauma affects us, or saying anger is bad, or faulting myself or anyone for being lost in fury and despair. But real healing could only begin when I let go of what I hated, bit by agonizing bit.

Doing the least harm possible, often means doing the least harm possible to ourselves first.

…it is always possible to be less violent. When we have understanding and compassion in us, we have a good chance. When we are motivated by fear and anger, we are already victims. No cause is worthy enough to be served by this state of being. 

~Thich Nhat Hanh

Uncovering the truth of inner violence is a both/and process. We attempt to act differently but make mistakes and do harm. We take responsibility. We make amends. And if we’re persistent in our awareness practices eventually the apology comes a bit quicker, the time between recognizing negative, limiting thoughts and course correcting to a neutral or compassionate response is shorter. 

Notice negative thoughts and angry feelings when they arise. Notice how the body responds and attend to that. Pounding heart? Gnawing in the pit of your stomach? Put a hand on the place it hurts. Monitor physical sensations. Sense the fear under the anger, and grief—direct your care and compassion there. Sit quietly and let it settle.

The place we have the most agency is within. The actions we can most surely guide are our own.

The mind creates the abyss, the heart crosses it.  

~Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj, Indian spiritual teacher  

Besides being a passionate writer of this bi-weekly newsletter, I’m a **mindfulness mentor, and a dedicated **leadership and personal development **coach, using an approach based on mindfulness practices. I have a particular interest in helping women gain confidence after workplace bullying.

To find out more, contact me here on Substack, or on LinkedIn, or schedule a free exploratory session.

Note: I speak from the perspective of a white, cis-gender woman with a working class/middle class background.